Gifts

Every alternate year, I get a cheque of $500 from my Insurance company, which i will in turn, pay for my other insurance. sounds funny huh?
I still recieve a handful of presents from my friends, which i am grateful and thankful for their friendship. =)

Presents

My husband puts a dollor gold coin in my piggy bank every now and then. This is my birthday gift from him. This year, i bought an ipod nano. so sleek & slim.

Every year, i am touched by my friends and family who sends me birthday greetings past midnight.
** oh so sweet of them **

Happy Birthday to me

Happy Birthday to me.

I had my birthday in NOV,
but i didnt quite enjoyed because i had chicken pox and was on medical leave for 3 weeks. i was very troubled as i now have a big pit mark on my cheek. however, it was a good thing as the break reminded me that health is more important that work.

勇敢去爱

这世界 太多坏
坏得让人不敢有所期待
快 站出来把那黑白色彩
变成灿烂
看清自己的存在

压力如排山倒海
我绝不能失败
勇敢去爱
爱的力量无限呐喊
摆脱一切阻碍
用力点燃胸口这圣火
We’re The Power Generation
一道光 In The Sky
狠狠穿透眼前这片黑暗

爱,

真精采
把那傲慢不满全都抛开
谁都不愿被主宰
流窜血液正澎湃
火力已全开


攀上残酷的舞台
站在力量最顶端

We Will Come Alive

work

work has been terribly busy and stressful lately.

too much to handle

working till late at eleven at night is tiring.

waking up at 3 in the morning, stressed out about work.

i begin to miss those carefree days at work where i felt work was too mundane,
boring and i was bored to death then.

but this is the price to give for the price i recieve isnt it?

i want the good money, of course i deserve it.

perhaps i should just take a breather this weekend. just totally unwind.

perhaps i should just go for a break to phuket to find my friend who is now working there.

yes. i should do just that.

but when?

unwind, unwind. i need to unwind.

tell you something..

there was this security guard at my office.

we don't chat that much but make small talks.

every evening he would switch on the car park lightings, the switch is located outside my window.

as i normally work late, he would wave hello at me and gesture for me to go home, not work too late.

anyway, he died last week.

commited suicide.

here at his office security post.

for reasons we will never know.

i was disturbed because here was a man who was seemingly jovial and chatty and everybody chatted with him, bought him dinner, sat down and drank with him sometimes.

there were no signs of a troubled mind.

but he just did it and we will never know why.

because he had a sunny deposition, the people here did not grieve too much.

of course we were all sadden and shocked but every one tried to lighten up a bit, afterall, it was done.

what i have learnt here is that i should always always take time and take heart to have the presence whenever i make even small talks. you know, ask how are they, how is their day, etc. always take heart to give love to others. any tiny effort is good enough for me.

Lisa. i gave her a name because everyone asked me who she was. Nobody. she is nobody. just a reflection of what i wanted to express. i wanted a soulful pair of eyes and some kind of a pout. a little sadness but not over-done.  

this depicts the back of a playing card. every day i play game at lunch break with two of my game buddies. we had this arrangement since beginning of the year. actually, we dont gamble much, just ten cents stake. it is more for the strategy that we enjoy.  

brick wall-- this was painted to in remembrance of my father. there was once he painted the whole kitchen wall RED. my mother was aghast as it gave her a headache. but i was just happy and helped my dad paint the whole town RED 

entitled - i this is how i feel-- i feel that i don't belong. dont belong here and dont belong with people. initially, there was only one "i" on the right. it reflects my feeling abuot not belonging to crowd or society. but i added another "i" in red among the people. it is my attempt to TRY.  

this subject's name is Annie Howard. let me tell you the story. i wanted to draw a beautiful woman but i couldn't achieve it. hence i gave up and started to paint any-o-how. to my surprise, the end product was well, not bad. (the actual painting looks better than this as this picture is taken by camera and it looks blend and flat here. there are more shades and texture on the actualy painting as acrylic paint was used). so, i named her Annie Howard. (aka Any-How-drawn) am i cheesy or what? 

Motorola K1 

T-Shirt 

bone picking 

roll mat 

batik 

swimwear 

finally, they can swim... in style

ingenious, finally one ingenious fella invented the islamic swimwear.

now those women with head-dress can swin in the open sea in style.

i dont know how they do it previously.

according to my friend, they swim in whatever they are wearing...

it is either that or never swam in their lives.

you know, swimming at the beach is such wonder.

the feel of the wave, the sand and salt.

at phuket, there are women sun bathing topless.

it is not a scene at all as the locals there are used to it.

only swa-koo singaporeans steal second looks.

there was one early morning when i was at Kata Beach (in Phuket),

i stripped naked and swam in the ocean.

there was no one around and i just did it to see how it feels.

it is wonderful i tell you. like you are in one with nature. so free.

you ought to try it when you have the chance.

the Fire in me

you know, different things make us tick.

occassionally, when my boss reads the news papers, he would comment rather forcefully
"if i were the jugde i will hang them over ten times!"
he was commenting about people who raped their children and people who murder the innocent like children etc.

so that are the things that made him mad.

I am usually cool and unmoved. not that i am uncompassionate but there is no fire about these kind of things in me.

however, something made me tick last night.

I was just browsing through the newspaper when i read about an on-line game WoW-- world of warcraft where one young female player died of a stroke (in real life). she had made some friends all over the world, you know, like people all over the world logged in and played game and developed friendship without having met in flesh. according to the news article, she is a level 60 orc warlock- some kind of achievement for a player, hence i presume there were quite a bit of respect for her perhaps.

anyway, players all over the world were sadden by her death (in real), given that we are people with emotion and feelings. they decided to hold a virtual funeral for her and set a date and time to have the solemn event at one of the game site where the young player used to love. (see picture below)

so, many players made the effort to attend the virtual funeral, bidding farewell to a person they know only in the game but have some form of freindship with.

know what?.........

many of the attendees were killed. murdered. in the game.

they were unarmed as they were attending a social event and were not guarded.

their enemies felt that it was opportune to massively kill them all.

of course according to the rules of the game, it was a battlefield. they were open to attack.

but come on for goodness sake, this is as much a funeral for a real person that died!

who could make a trip to the homeland of that young girl when all her on-line friends are in europe, asia and what nots? the next best practical thing is to organise a virtual procession to say, hey, we will miss you.

but no. NO NO NO. the devil in us had to kill.

I often wonder if I had been too naive to think that people in general are kind and honourable.

I hate it. god damn people who don't have the decency and ethic to put on hold a difference for one damn second. pissed me off so hard.

Errupts the fire in me.

Virtual Funeral 

Blindness of the Heart?

忙

: 原来是指心盲

recently i have been so busy that time just came and went.

felt quite bad that i missed out on some things..

like pat returned from japan and tried meeting me twice,, and i couldnt find the time.

all i can say is sorry i am very busy (at work)

busy could only mean= occupied

but when i wrote it in chinese, it dawned on me that it also means "blindness of the heart"

yes, i have to admit that my heart was blind.

you know, i was constantly moving (mind moving, thinking abt work and more work pending)

when people talk to me, i wasnt really listening. all i could think about is to get back to my desk and get my hands on the computer to do my email, quotation, DO (delivery orders), PO (ourchase orders) and stuff stuff stuff.

so, no more blindness, i said to myself.

use my heart to listen, first-- to myself. for goodness sake.

story

Imagine you're in a Airport.

While you're waiting foryour flight, you notice a kiosk selling shortbread cookies.You buy a box, put them in your traveling bag and thenyou patiently search for an available seat so you cansit down and enjoy your cookies.Finally you find a seat next to a gentleman. You reachdown into your traveling bag and pull out your box ofshortbread cookies.

As you do so, you notice that the gentleman startswatching you intensely. He stares as you open the boxand his eyes follow your hand as you pick up thecookie and bring it to your mouth. Just then hereaches over and takes one of your cookies from thebox and eats it!

You're more than a little surprised at this. Actually,you're at a loss for words. Not only does he take onecookie, but he alternates with you.For every one cookie you take, he takes one.Now, what's your immediate impression of this guy?Crazy? Greedy? He's got some nerve! Can you imaginethe words you might use to describe this man to yourassociates back at the office?

Meanwhile, you bothcontinue eating the cookies until there's just one left.To your surprise, the man reaches over and takes it.But then he does something unexpected. He breaks it inhalf, and gives half to you.After he's finished with his half he gets up, andwithout a word, he leaves.You think to yourself, "Did this really happen?"You're left sitting
there dumbfounded and stillhungry.

So you go back to the kiosk and buy anotherbox of cookies. You then return to your seat and beginopening your new box of cookies when you glance downinto your traveling bag.Sitting there in your bag is your original box ofcookies -- still unopened.Only then did you realize that when you reached downearlier, you had reached into the other man's bag andgrabbed his box of cookies by mistake.

Now what do you think of the man?

Generous? Tolerant?You've just experienced a profound paradigm shift.

You're seeing things from a new point of view.Is it time to change your point of view?Now, think of this story as it relates to your life.Seeing things from a new point of view can be veryenlightening.Think outside the box. Don't settle for the statusquo. Be open to suggestions. Things may not be whatthey seem.

生病

生病时很痛苦，
常想，will it be so suffering before i die?


我知道我的想法很 morbid

可是, i can't help it.

whenever i am sick, it is ususally with fever and stomach upset.
the upset is MAJOR.

firstly i shiver in cold till my bones hurt. anything more i'll curl up like a prawn.
then the vomit and diahorea is in volts and you can never think that your ass could shit water.

so i pass-out semi drifting in and out for 2 days, struggling to drink milo before i faint or white out. all this while thinking this must be my punishment for doing something wrong. then i'll brain-search for something i might have done worng.

in between i worry that death will be like this.

then i said that i was silly, i couldn't possibly die.

but then the sickness is so real you think perhaps i may just sleep and die or faint and never wake up.

so this is sickness.

it only happens so once in a blue blue moon but when it does, i always fear that death will be torturous like this.

so i promised myself i will take care of my health. eat well sleep well exercise well.

那时， 我一心一意的 made sure 爸爸不冷也不喘，奇实是自己 fear of cold and breathlessness.

还好我是有点神精 Hyper, 才把爸爸照顾得温暖和 full of love and peace.

being morbid is not so bad afterall.

Ronald MacBeanie

I don't know of any berdie that is as amused as me with this Ronald MacBeanie

look at it, it is Ronald MacDonald on a Beanie canvas.

first, i must tell you i am not a Beanie fan, nor am i a Donald fan.

but i can't help to be so tickled by this Singapore Beanie....
and amaze at how macdonalds can buy its way to our hearts, so subtlety.
even has its presence with our sportsman Susilo, and celebrate our
National Day with itself iconised in a Beanie. Still, i can't help to be tickled.

青春

你知道吗，原来保持青春是要下工夫的。
平时没理会青春的我， 最近也被MEIJI 的 COLLAGEN 产品收买了。
而且还买了好几罐呢。$68 一罐， ON SALE 时 46元， 真是不买不行呀！

I AM KING

哈哈哈 I am King

工做忙到不可开销
就快疯掉了！
所以， 我是KING！

Coated

can i bore you with my household chores.

see how dirty the floor can be....

of course the mopping is like once in a fortnight hence it's dusty i guess.

i only do the chores when i cant stand the mess or dirt, which is not very often

i do enjoy the effects of a clean house and feel like a woman when i do the chores.

sometimes, my husband and i just do do do, he does the laundry and sweep the floor. i dust the windows and mop the floor. he changes the bedsheets, i'll watch TV. fair right?

B-E-A-U-T FULL

my dear friend says i should take a trip to big apple city

says that art is big there. then she went on to send me many pictures of the hostel she stayed in. it was explosive. colourful and loud. true, i am drawn to it.

so,,, before i save enough money to get there, i shall wow on this photo

she had taken while on a ferry.

Awaits no man

time and tide wait for no man

i was rather sad when i took this picture.

the first flat you see in this picture is the flat of my parents. this beautiful skyline is gonna be gone. gone like how my dad is gone. so bloody sad. you see the majestic towers on the right, they are the Great World City towers.

i've told myself to remember how he lived and not the last days because it is how he lived that defines him. dad was diligent, honest, loyal, humorous, creative & showy. all of which i think i inherit. dad was never a sad person but i am.

for nights and many nights i dont know why but i struggle to stay awake. even till my eyes sting with tiredness i refused to sleep. i guess again i am holding on to time, which is non-existent. as if sleeping less would mean time was still. i think i am a bit screwed-up up there....

these few days

went sentosa, mom hasnt been there for years i think.. chairlift was scary only on the first round.

2 weeks back saw this ang moh walking around bare footed. my cousins say he must be aussie. aussies bare foot outdoors and wear shoes indoor.

grandpa's birthday 5th July . he is 87 years old

how i wish

how i wish i have $600 to spare...

i could buy two tickets to see robbie.. i'll get the best seats.. one for you & one for me

how i wish... *sigh*

NOVEMBER 18, 2006.
At the Singapore Indoor Stadium

missing

Final Destination

it is stunning to know that 5 of us had our love ones passed on in a span of 2 months.

we were all sitting in the same section, same lot of desks just next to each other.

APRIL: started with jac's dad, fell at home and passed away. he lived in JB and jac hurried home once she got the news. she is a PR in singapore though her dad lived in malaysia

APRIL: then, it was UR. she is indian national. her mom had a heart attack. her parents loves singapore and wish UR to get her residency here.

MAY: then came the unexpected DT. DT is only 26 and has a one year old baby. her husband met an accident. it was devestating.

MAY: and it was my turn. my dad passed away peacefully on 17 MAY 2006, 3.03pm.

MAY: lastly, NY's dad. collasped at a clinic.

is it scary to see the unfolding of events, seeing now that we were sitting in the same bunch and we have all LEFT that office! gosh. i shouldn't read too much into the coincidences but you can all see the link.

foosball

i had so much fun at the game arcade with my cousies

we were serious foosball player, no spinning of the cues and many impressive tactics.

four teams - PJ & i, wan U & song, anna & jny, sher & teng. (my dad calls him "ah teng" cos he couldnt pronounce - Tim) haha.

hard fight really. and no fair ground as visual was hindered by the flourascent neon lights reflected on the glass top. but everyone was handicapped so in a way, its fair fight.

we were competitive hence it was very fun

played some really simple games at the arcade but it was really fun. passing the bomb to each other-- such a simple concept but it was exciting and funny. we screamed in excitment like playing catch.

kind of re-living childhood laughters & fun

im so glad i have a group of cousies and their partners to join in the big-o-fun

journey

acupuncture delight

it is my naked back after Gua Sa, Pa Guan & Zhen Jiu

anyone who loves pain should go try "pa guan" - loosely translated as "pulling tin"

i must say that it is very painful while at it. of course if you are fleshier, aka fatter, it is less painful as your fats will cushion the pulling pain.

the massue heats up empty glass cups to create a sharp vacume of oxygen. in a swift action she plants the cups onto your skin. the cups will stick to your flesh like a fish with humungus mouth sucking onto your flesh. 10 cups at a go can give you such pain, you would wonder if you are a saddist to do this. they should include this adventure in fear factor TCM. 10 mins is enough to kill the faint hearted.

caution: you probably cant go sun bathing in your bikini for 2 weeks, unless you dont mind scaring others with a purple psycadelic back!

my first acupuncture adventure was ...... O K but i must admit it is quite scary.

at places where you have any injury,, the pain is very subtle, mild and faint that you dont think its much of a challenge. but the kind of pain is wow,,, aching. like pain echoing lightly but deeply... like droplets into a well.

i was fascinated that the sin seh (chinese physician) was only able to crack the veins on my lower back only after needling me. prior to that, she tried severl times but could not crack-twist my tight back. just one session, voola! crooc, crook, crooc! wow, the cracking sound was music to my ears!

HDB Hub

mom and i were at toa payoh HDB hub to discuss with the land personnel about the SERS En Bloc of our estate at KIM SENG

the government is sending us packing as they acquired this current plot of land

in return, they will allocate us a brand new unit at a new estate just a stone throw away. well, 2 bus stops, about 800 meters away. the new estate is modern, sophisticated, looks like condo estate and nearer to MRT. but we will no longer have zouk as our kitchen view when we move in 2011. i mean when my mom and sis move.

my dad waited for donkey years before finally hearing the news on en bloc of his house.

he was both happy and sad, happy because he loved living in the city and glad that finally the govt made the move after postponing it for like ten over years. sad because he wasnt sure if he could live to move in, since it is 5 more years to go.
it is ironic how this news came on the day we celebrated both his birth days, lunar and regular standard AD calendar birthdays
it is unusual for one's lunar BD and AD BD to fall on the same day, of course besides the day one is born.

so anyway, we were there to listen to the en bloc procedure though the exercise is in 5 years' time.

i asked the officer to let my sis buy a unit next block, next door or whatever to my mom, since they have like a thousand spare units at the new estate. as usual they say no and if we want to get a unit, we have to ballot in 2011. so much so for encouraging generations to live together (in close proximity). i dont think sis should wait 5 years to get married. i mean, if she feels like it, she can get married next year, 2008, 2009, 2010, whatever. it is restricting to wait for 2011 in order to get the flat and live near mom. oh, whatever. they will never understand why we city folks like living in the city. in fact, our household was divided in view about living here. dad, sis & i were deadpan in living here. orchard road is 5 mins away, zouk is next door, Great World City with its GV cinemas, mac donalds KFC Delifrance Kenny Rogers Yoshinora st andersons ice cream, planet fitness, kumon, kinderland, aussino, cold storage, game arcade, evergreen stationary, jess hair saloon, is a stroll away. oh and that music store, royal sporting house, mr minute to mend your shoes, my foot visually impaired massues to give your foot reflex, not forgetting the local food fare consisting japanese, korean, thai, indian food. but mom wants to live in god-forsaken sengkang. i am sorry to say that we dont give-in to fanciful ideas like living in sengkang. you see, i can foresee that the distance on land would reflect in the distance in our relationship. they dont call it "close-knitted-family" for nothing.

back to toa payoh,, there was this boy-- asris or something,, parading his pet parrot- MAX while his mom shops
the baby parrot kisses on demand!

sending off

10 days for Letting Go

my dad waited till i was ready to really let go

when i first knew about his condition last year, there were nights i woke up with a fright and i was reminded how i used to fear him leaving me if i fall asleep. (i was under the care of relatives from birth till 15, in the early years, i was very close to dad and he used to put me to bed, but there was always this fear that he will run away when i fall asleep and i would strugle to keep awake even though i was tired and sleepy) so, several times, i woke up in fear that he has left.

for many months and weeks, i work and work and when it comes to weekends, i struggle to stay awake.

becos time was precious and i hoped that when i stay awake, time can become longer.

of course this is silly but i couldnt let go of my dad

i cried so much and griefed so much

i told god that he could take 10 years off my life just so that my dad can live a few more years

but god dont trade

i was so fearful that dad would leave us when i am not around, at work or something. yet at the same time, i was so afraid that my dad would leave us while under my watch. i needed my sis to be around, just around. i dont know why but when she is around, i was brave.

i couldnt and didnt sleep. just the last nite before he passed on, i was so drousy that i fell asleep for a hour or so, next to him on the floor. sis bought a sleeping bag, we call it "camping at SGH". we literally camped that day and nite for ten days.

then one day, on day 9, there was a change in me. suddenly yet calmly, i felt ready to let go. i didnt need anyone to feel brave anymore. i was finally brave. maybe it was dad who gave me the bravery, as he was oh so brave! i no longer begged god for one more day or one more year. i dont know how to explain this but i no longer was desperate or fearful. of course i miss my most beloved father, but i no longer begged for forever becos forever is in my heart.

i said to myself, -- dad's body cannot take it. his body is damaged and there is no point to forcefully prolong the living.

his spirit is good and healthy, hence, it is better for him to change a temple (house, body, temple) and return if he wants to.

there was such a change in my attitude that i was confident to handle what ever comes next.

i told sis-- let's go home, get ready dad's favourite clothings, have lunch and return to SGH.

we calmly did so.

in fact, i felt so connected to dad that i knew exactly what he wants.

i am sure my sis was just as connected with dad

we asked the doctor for approval to do a tap for dad so that he can fit into his faourite clothings
(dad was concern of his big tummy)

dad kept the key to his locked drawer in the pocket of his favourite vest.

that was the key to his best kept documents, birth cert, my sis PSLE result slip, my mom's mother's day card, my club eleven name cards.

these are the little things that meant so much to my dad.

how it broke my heart.

but oh, my dad, you are so brave. i shall live in your spirit and be just like you.

i love you and thank you for loving me.

i went home, cried my heart out with bren. calm down, bathed, ate lunch and return to SGH.

in taxi, i texted sis, -- im on the way. actually, message was for dad. -- wait for me, im on the way.

aunt jessie wanted to talk to dad. i said no. let's not make it sad for him. he is leaving and let's just pray.

we prayed. i droped three droplets of holy water into dad's lower lips. he drank them peacefully.

there was a burp, like when you drink too muck carbonated soft drink, you burp.

ling! come here! i waved at sis to come to the bedside.

dad took another peaceful breath and left.

we both did a brilliant job. we were both so calm.

my sis is the greatest. we took care of everything.

i am so glad i stayed by him. i am so glad we didnt send him to the hospice. not that we even considered it at all.

we were so angry at mom but let's not talk about it. becos dad parting note to us was to
RESPECT your mother. RESPECT! oh god respect our mother.

we will die trying, dad dont worry, we will la. we are family.

Good Bye, Pa Pa

my dad passed away last wednesday 17th May 2006

for the longest time, i couldnt talk about it

dad was diagnosed with liver cancer last september

we never acknowledged it to be cancer and never used that term becos dad never thoght of it as cancer

only the doctor did

in fact, there was another professor who said in his seventy years of experience, this is not cancer but a serious form of hepatitis B

whatever the case, it does not matter now that dad is in heaven. but it was a good thing that dad didnt think of himself as terminal becos he lived like there were many tomorrows

he had not begged for another day

in fact, in his note to us, he wished for our good health and asked for blessings for us, his siblings, cousins, friends and relatives

such strength and calmness he had

made my heart break

but i shall live in his strength. he was such a simple man, a born volunteer. helped at RC for over twenty years. old aged home etc. his life besides loving us was loving others. aged, poor, animals, you name it. he was in action every day.
till his last days he talked about loving every body and about god's almighty love
(a little confusing for some people as dad was buddhist)
but whatever, love prevalis and dad knows he has so much love. never did he finched for a second.

i love you my pa pa, i love you

i will see you again

my motorbike. sis has one too! 

gecko

picturesque gecko